This isn’t like her at all.
Advice by Aymann Ismail
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m looking for some advice regarding my 7-year-old daughter. She has been lying to her dad and me lately. This is not like her. The first was last week when she swiped some money on the kitchen table to buy more things at the book fair (even though she had money in an e-wallet already, and we told her she could buy one book and one fun item). She came home with way more things than that and the receipt showed she had spent an extra $50. She told me a girl in her class gave her $50, and that she didn’t ask for it but the girl gave it to her. So of course, I sent $50 to school the next day for my daughter to give back to the girl and also messaged her teacher to make her aware. Her teacher told me she talked to the girl and her mom and that she did not give my daughter any money. When asked by the teacher, my daughter confessed to taking money from our kitchen table.
The next incident was her lying about a neighbor girl calling her stupid.The third incident was this morning.
She wanted to bring a purse to church, and my husband said no because it was one more thing to keep track of. She then told him all the girls bring purses and toys from home and play with them. He asked how that could be since they are there to learn about God/Jesus/etc. She stopped talking because she knew she was caught.We already grounded her for a week from her tablet for lying about the book fair money (she doesn’t even get her tablet much to begin with), and made her return everything she got from the book fair for stealing money.
We don’t know what to do. There haven’t been any changes in our routine/life recently.She is a really good kid. We don’t know why she is lying all of a sudden and don’t know how to help her stop.
—Unlike Her
Dear Unlike Her,
I get why you’re concerned about your daughter’s untruthfulness, especially if you feel it’s out of character for her. Not that you should let it slide, but I want to comfort you a little by pointing out that at 7-years-old, lying is normal experimental behavior for kids (testing boundaries, seeing what they can get away with), even for those who are typically well-behaved.
It sounds like you’re already trying to do this, but I’d say the key is to meet each lie with patience and understanding. Telling the truth can be hard sometimes, and I think that it would mean a lot for your child to hear you admit this. And once that connection is established, maybe then you can help her to understand the importance of honesty, to identify opportunities to show her good character through courage, and to know that even when she messes up, she can always rely on her parents to love her unconditionally. Expressing feelings openly is difficult for everyone no matter how old you are, so maybe heaping her with praise when she tells the truth, even small truths, could be a way to reinforce the behavior you want her to exhibit. That way, she can think of being honest as a path to reward, not only as a means to avoid punishment.
But at the same time, it is your responsibility to be steadfast and remain consistent with your consequences for when your kid lies (and, for that matter, steals). Each parent approaches discipline differently, but whatever your established consequences for these fibs are, please avoid making your daughter feel like there’s something wrong with her, or that she is a “bad kid.” Focus on the behavior, and tell her that her actions need to reflect her character, not the other way around. I was pegged as a bad kid really young by my parents (I was the youngest of four), and it’s taken me my entire life to recover from that.
Otherwise, just know that you’re doing great as a parent, and that this phase will be one your daughter grows out of soon—and you’ll be on to the next problem in no time!
—Aymann
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